Be careful what you ask God.
I “made the mistake” of asking Him to lead me to a deeper spiritual level. Twelve hours later, I had an unexpected teleconference call with my employer over some recent developments. It quickly became contentious and led me to reevaluate my entire relationship with them. Over the next few days, it led to a series of exchanges that got increasingly uglier until I pulled out the Library of Colorful Metaphors.
Yes, I cussed him out. And yes, I was fired. And I’d do it again.
I’m not going to say that my last three years were completely wasted. I got to work with a crew of amazing people. Broken people have come to a place of healing. There were some creative and challenging musical and ministry moments. The musicians and singers I recruited were respected and honored as part of the community. There was one particular project that was finally starting to find its groove when Auntie Rona came to town and threw everything out the window.
Still. My employers weren’t who I thought they were. And I wasn’t the person they wanted me to pretend to be.
(For the record, God, I meant a richer, more fulfilling prayer life. What the hell is this shit supposed to be?) My best guess is that God’s truth – no matter how painful – is still better than the most pleasant delusion. It doesn’t make it any easier.
So… What’s next? No. Fucking. Clue.
Yes, I know. I should clean up this website and all my online profiles, assume this air of “professionalism”, make myself as nonobjectionable as possible, spend 12+ hours a day harassing my networks, and promote myself nonstop lining up interviews left and right until I break through.
And yet… I’m done. I have no intention of ever placing myself in a position like that again. As far as where that is going to lead me, I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when I get there. And if I don’t, so be it. At this point, I have no more years of my life to waste. I’ll go out however I go out, but it will be on my own terms.
So… What does this mean?
This may come as a shock, but – well – I actually do know a few things. Very well, as a matter of fact. Right now, there are projects I’m working on and things that I’m learning. It has never been difficult to find things to work on, especially at my age. I’ll worry about my own career (or lack thereof) and income.
At this point, I’m moving on.